Since the dawn of the Harry Potter series, I’ve been filled with an unquenchable thirst. Every time I read about how Harry and his friends journeyed to Hogsmeade with a stopover for some Butterbeer, my mouth watered. And how do you satiate a thirst when the drink in question doesn’t even exist?

Ah, but it does.

Thank you, Orlando, for helping me tick one major item off my Bucket List.

Seems silly, right? A simple drink being such a major motivator for travel? Wrong. If you know me and my obsession for books and literature, you’ll understand a little more how Harry Potter became such a big part of my life. The funny thing is that I didn’t enjoy the movies – not even a little – but Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter drew me in anyway.

It wasn’t a part of the original plan with Aeroplan when they sent me to Florida with their “Welcome Aboard” event, but there was no way I was passing up that opportunity. My buddy Camile and I headed over to the park early on a Monday morning to jump aboard the legendary Forbidden Journey ride and prowl the grounds of the park for ourselves.

But Spring Break in Florida had other plans.

I felt like a kid when entering the WWoHP: the gabled peaks of the shops in Diagon Alley were covered in snow, and Hogwarts loomed like a dark shadow in the background. The Hogwarts Express tooted its horn as Camile and I wrestled the crowds to make our way to the castle where the Forbidden Journey ride awaited.

We observed the Wait Time: 120.

“An hour and 20 minutes?” I said.

“120 minutes,” Camile responded.

Shit.

Feeling bitter and annoyed, I decided to get into line-up for a Butterbeer being pumped from an old-skool truck pulling a giant red keg. No big deal, right? Dude just pumps the keg and the beer flows freely. Except it was like 30 degrees Celsius and I had to wait 45 minutes.

I guess it’s true that you appreciate things more once you “work” for them, because DAAAMN that iced Butterbeer was amazing. It tasted exactly like how I imagined it would: sweet, and butterscotch-y. The only thing that could have made it better was it actually contained alcohol (seriously Universal, get on that).

Then Camile and I skipped off to do the Jurassic Park river ride. After that exhilarating experience where once again I tried to face my fears of t-rex (but in reality now I’m just having more nightmares), I was propelled by a sense of adrenaline and decided to skip back and check on the Forbidden Journey.

75 minute wait-time. “Screw it,” I thought. “When will I ever get back to Orlando?”

Once inside the castle, I moved into the “Single Riders” line (if you opt for this route, you move a lot quicker as the workers use you to fill seats).

And once you’re inside, the wait is actually FUN. Talking paintings on the walls warn you of the upcoming ride, and the Sorting Hat spouts out safety instructions. Everything is pitch-black and exactly like how you’d imagine the inside of Hogwarts.

It’s freaking brilliant.

The guides usher you along the moving conveyer built to strap you into a seat, like in a rollercoaster. And that’s when the fun starts.

You swoop, soar, and fly over Hogwarts, dashing demons and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You sit alongside Harry, and are guided through a mystical landscape you can’t even imagine in your wildest dreams.

I have actually never experienced such open-mouthed wonderment before. I was gobsmacked, blown away by visuals and the reality of it all. I kept pulling up my feet to avoid hitting things.

The wait time? Worth. Every. Second.

By the time we pulled to a stop and the entire cast of the movies was waiting for me and cheering, I actually got a little teary-eyed. Even my legs felt weak.

The Forbidden Journey was my FIRST blown-away moment experienced somewhere outside of the great outdoors. Truly. I would go back again, and again, and again.

TIP: DEFINITELY do the Single Rider thing. You can’t see the other riders in your seat anyway, so it doesn’t even really make sense to go with a group unless you’re with your family.

TIP 2: People prone to motion sickness, beware. Have that Butterbeer after the ride.

My childhood memories are strongly punctuated by Disney princesses and my mad love for The Lion King. The fact that fictional characters were such a key part of my upbringing (and the upbringing of many, many others) is a good testament to the insane success of Walt Disney and his empire.

Yet, I can’t recall ever asking my parents for a vacation to Florida to see it all for myself.

Orlando was basically built for Disney, and as I was planning this week-long trip to Florida, I don’t think I heard a single bad thing about the city or the parks. Might as well face the facts: there really is a magical place on earth, and yes, it is commercialized and damned expensive.

But Orlando itself is an…interesting city. I couldn’t quite figure it out; it’s like that age old question: What came first, the chicken or the egg? Oh the insanity.

LIKES ABOUT ORLANDO

Cleanliness: Orlando is pretty strict when it comes to pollution and keeping up a pretty appearance. The city is as well-groomed and manicured as a Hollywood housewife, and damn, it is NOTICEABLE. And appreciated.

Food, food, food: I ate my face off all week, and denied myself no luxury. Aeroplan gave me a $250 AMEX dining card (can be redeemed with 33500 miles, same goes for 60+ other gift cards), so Camile and I checked out an amazing Japanese restaurant named Amura (award-winning sushi joint for three years now), and I gorged on lobster ravioli at Fiorella’s on more than one occasion.

Oh yeah, and Menchie’s Frozen Yogurt bar. I was totally amazed by DIY yogurt. Changed my freaking life.

Citywalk nightlife: Kinda like George Street, but where drinking in the street is permissible ALL YEAR ROUND.

Theme park culture: It IS a culture, especially for Florida residents who take advantage of sweet deals for living in the sunshine state year round. I’m not much of a rollercoaster gal, at ALL, but I had a freaking blast on the rides I DID take. Even just walking around was delightful.

SUNSHINE! My god, the sunshine. I put aside a day or two for pure relaxation. I cannot remember the last time I just sat down and read a book, just because I COULD, rather than catching snatches of reading in between transit, etc. I am happiest when drinking a beer on a patio somewhere. This, to me, is the embodiment of summer.

DISLIKES ABOUT ORLANDO

The family mentality: Virtually nothing in Orlando is built for the solo female traveler, and I couldn’t help but feel a little sad for being so single and childless. Until I heard parents screaming at their kids and saw them pulling their ears, and then I felt better that I was on a free luxury vacation without any responsibilities left behind.

Transit: Getting around was freaking HARD without a rental car (I was offered one by Aeroplan, but I don’t drive). Granted, I was in a fairly isolated part of the city where I couldn’t even walk anywhere, but taxis weren’t cheap either.

MONEY MONEY MONEY: I will never get used to cities or towns that place such an emphasis on materialism and owning shit. Orlando ain’t CHEAP, and unless you’re prepared to starve yourself at a theme park all day, maybe pack some snacks wherever you go.

The shopping opportunities are insanely good, but malls are busy, busy, busy. Despite Aeroplan generously giving me lots of spending money, I ended up doling out $500 of my own cash so I could cram in all the things I wanted to do (like I said, however, I didn’t deny myself any luxuries).

Would I go back? Hell-to-the-yeah. Preferably with a few good friends and a kid or two in tow. Yes, my own kids. I will refrain from baby snatching.

I like sea life and I’m a big fan of Free Willy. (Not the sequel, though. That crap is whack.) Aeroplan offered me a free day pass to check out all the creatures living under the sea at SeaWorld, so my buddy Camile and I headed on over on my last day in Orlando (SeaWorld/Aquatica combo passes are redeemable with 13500 miles).

The Animals

Not too many of my days have started with feeding stingrays. In fact, none of them had until this trip to SeaWorld. I stuck the dead fish between my fingers and placed it low in the tank, and squealed like a little girl when the stingray sucked it into his mouth like a vacuum.

The photo says it all.

My main point of interest, however, was the killer whale show. After our intimate encounter with the stingrays, Camile and I immediately ran to check out da Shamu crew. Being a midday show saturated with children, the opening was sometimes squeamishly cheesy, and the pro-military message downright uncomfortable.

BUT I had never seen killer whales before, despite their regular appearance around the coast of Newfoundland lately. The show was impressive, and in between stuffing my face with a massive bag of pink cotton candy, I snapped photos like a paparazzi. Dance, Free Willy! Dance!

(We had to sit WAAAAY in the back to avoid the splash zone. Them whales are BIG. Thank god for laser eye surgery.)

My next mission was to visit the polar bear and the walruses, two more animals I had never seen before. You’d think while fleeing from the Canadian winter the last place I’d want to be is in the Arctic Kingdom.

Naturally the polar bear was sleeping, and the unbelievably massive walrus kept hiding behind a large pillar in the underwater tank. I kept trying to snap photos but small toddlers and seven year olds kept butting in front of me despite my efforts to shove them forcefully out of the way. You can imagine my frustration.

AAAAND flamingos!

The dolphins were kinda nifty too.

The Rides

I didn’t do any. Time did not permit.

But Kraken and Manta look absolutely freaking terrifying (probably cuz I don’t do rollercoasters).

And the Journey to Atlantis ride was pretty entertaining.

I just prefer to have my feet on the ground, you know.

Unfortunately I only had about three hours to spend inside SeaWorld, and so I missed some key highlights like the penguins and the underwater shark grill. No, they don’t grill sharks.

Next up: Getting drunk at Disney, alone. It happens.

My cab dropped me off at the outlet mall where I was to board my shuttle to Legoland. The bus driver ticked me off his list, and then looked at me with suspicion: “Just you? Why are you alone?”

“Business,” I said, because it just sounds so legit.

Aeroplan had given me a pass to explore Florida’s newest park. (You can redeem miles for this experiential reward: if you have 8000 Aeroplan miles, you can buy a kid’s pass or an adult pass with 9500 miles.)

Honestly, I didn’t care much for Lego when I was a kid, but being central Florida’s newest theme park, I was pretty pumped to check it out.

My tactic for exploring theme parks the whole time in Orlando was this: get a ticket, wander around, get lost, cry about it. That’s it. I wandered aimlessly like a lost child.

Exploring Legoland

The whole park is divided into different sections:

Land of Adventure: Where you’ll find Coastersaurus, Safari Trek, Beetle Bounce, and games

Lego City: Driving school, rescue academy, live shows, boating school

Imagination Zone: Hero Factory, MINDSTORMS, Build & Test

Lego Technic: AQUAZONE wave racers, games, food, shopping

Pirate’s Cove: Burgers and live pirates

Miniland: Miniature lego replicas of major US cities, like New York, Las Vegas, and Washington

Lego Kingdom: Royal Joust, games, Merlin’s Challenge, shows

Duplo Village: Farm, playgrounds, Granny’s Jalopies

Fun Town: The Grand Carousel (two levels!), 4D Theatre, food, shops

It’s a LOT to take in, so if you go, plan more wisely than I did.

Cypress Gardens

Cypress Gardens was an AMAZING retreat from the madness of the park, and the trails are incredible. I ignored the fact that the only other people in the gardens were seniors walking at a snail’s pace, and I convinced myself I was just as hip as they are.

I did pass some kids praying in front of the Virgin Mary statue though.

Also, this banyan tree is totally badass.

Food

Grub here is surprisingly cheaper in comparison to other parks, and there’s a pizza/pasta buffet for $10. Not the best food, but it works.

But definitely try Granny’s Apple Fries: they’re literally battered apples in the shape of fries, and you dip them in vanilla whipped cream. DELISH.

Conclusion

Legoland isn’t exactly the place solo 20-something, and I’m pretty sure families thought I was a paparazzi snapping photos of their children. By day two of being around children non-stop, I was ready to slap some babies.

Would LOVE to come back with a family someday. Maybe my own. Probably not, though.

My favourite part? I happened to stumble across Pirate’s Cove randomly when I spotted a pirate’s ship floating dockside. I was intrigued by the idea of a freshwater pirate’s ship: how could they possibly get away?! I noticed a stream of people all flocking to the shaded seating area, and since I was sweating like a maniac, I followed suit.

Turns out they have this super cool waterskiing stunt show put off by some talented athletes. The whole idea is that the fearless and beautiful Miranda must overcome Captain Brickbeard with the help of her lego soldiers, and she does so with grace! I had never seen a stunt show before, so I was pretty impressed.

I was also impressed by the biceps of the stuntmen acting as pirates. So impressed, in fact, I had to come back for a second look.

Getting There

Legoland is about a 45 minute drive from Orlando: “Take I-4 west to exit 55 (US Highway 27 South). Turn right off US Highway 27 at State Road 540/Cypress Gardens Boulevard, and park is 4 miles on the left.”

Or take the shuttle from Premium Outlets, $10 return trip. The bus has WiFi! One of the most exciting parts of my day.

Greetings from my lovely suite in Orlando, Florida!

Awhile ago, I moaned and groaned about winter and how it was sucking the life out of me. It’s true, and I can’t help it. Cold and slush and stormy weather just sucks the joy right out of my heart. It’s almost as bad as hearing how someone I respect loves Twilight.

In a fortunate twist of fate, I was contacted by the kind folks at Aeroplan and asked to participate in their annual “Welcome aboard” event, exclusive to Aeroplan members and CIBC Aero cardholders.

Thank you, Aeroplan. I was pretty close to jumping off the side of Signal Hill.

What it is: This year, Aeroplan members were invited to redeem their miles for an exclusive “all Aeroplan” flight from Montreal and Toronto to somewhere fun for spring break, like Orlando. To qualify for the Orlando flight, you had to be an Aeroplan member and CIBC cardholder.

So there I am in Montreal after getting only 2 hours of sleep and waiting to board my flight to Orlando, and then an orange carpet is rolled out. There are cute little families everywhere and I’m the only person who looks like I just crawled out of a cardboard box. My eyes are bloodshot and my hands are trembling.

When the Balnea Spa folks roll up with their portable massage chairs, I start getting excited. VIP treatment and a massage before boarding? Um, okay I guess. The masseuse situates me in the chair and tells me in her thick French accent that her name is “Sonya.” My face is entirely smooshed into the head holder thingy and all I can do is mumble, “I’m Candice.” Like she cares.

I practically melt into the airplane once it’s boarding time, after chatting with various Aeroplan people and trying to grasp at any coherent thought bold enough to break through my sleepy haze. I’m given an executive class seat where service is so damned good that my fears of crashing in a fiery death are completely overridden by chocolate fudge cake and unlimited Heinekens.

Whip out your knitting needles in first class and order three beers, and suddenly everyone stares.

You know how travel bloggers always write those inspirational posts about how you have to live outside your comfort zone and do things that scare you? Luxury scares the crap out of me. I do not fit in, and I’m very aware of every single move I make. And yet I totally can’t help but be smug about looking like a homeless person in first class while all the others are stuck in economy.

Same goes for the hotel I’m in, at the Westin Imagine. They’ve given me a full freaking suite, with a kitchen and living room. I have a balcony overlooking the whole resort and people treat me like a queen. I eat alone at Fiorella’s Cucina Toscana and cannot figure out what to do with the pile of cheese on my plate. But man, that lobster ravioli is good.

Unfortunately, that’s where the fun stuff has ended, as Air Canada lost my suitcase and I still haven’t received it…over 24 hours later. I smell bad and people keep giving me funny looks. I was so tired last night, I crashed at 9 PM with the hopes of having my belongings this morning. Nope. I called Air Canada, and they told me this afternoon. Then they called and told me this evening.

It’s 8:30 and still no luggage.

This is the first time I’ve had trouble with Air Canada. Their customer service has been great to me, but I would REALLY like my stuff.

Plus I bought all these cute sundresses.

But I swear I will not complain any further, and I will crawl into my king-sized luxury bed this evening with an upbeat attitude and positive thoughts. And failing that, I’ll just get really drunk tomorrow.

Disney World awaits!

*While my flight and accommodations were sponsored by Aeroplan, much of what I’ll be doing over the next couple of days is happening on my own dime. In the meantime, check out their Carbon Offset Program. It’s one of the reasons why I’m so happy to be working with them!

And out of the ashes of a desolate travel year with a bleak future — just when I thought my days of wandering were over — suddenly the pieces fall together. Like a puzzle. Like a mother-freakin’ jigsaw puzzle, yo. Except I was never good at those.

(Well, I put together a “World Traveler” puzzle at Christmas with Dad. We cursed a lot and drank beer. Maybe it was the beginning of something new.)

ANYWAY. Looks like starting next week I’m basically on the road for the next couple of months. Checkit.

March 6-13: Orlando, Florida

Lucky me being an Aeroplan cardholder and all, I was selected to participate in a special trip to FLO-RIDA. The place, not the “Club Can’t Handle Me” rapper. Although that’s pretty appropriate too, come to think of it.

Remember that plea I sent out awhile ago asking PR folks to send me somewhere warm? It worked. My god, the universe is amazing.

I’m going to be hitting up Seaworld and Lego Land as part of the trip, and then Disney World and Universal Studios on my own time. My ultimate goal is to drink a butter beer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. BUCKET LIST ITEM.

I literally have one whole week to myself to do whatever I want. Lounge pool side, eat my face off, get drunk at Disney. Alone. I’m embracing solo travel. It could be the beginning of something great.

March 19-April 17: Halifax, Nova Scotia

I’m finally back to one of my favourite east coast cities to visit Jo and her daughter I haven’t even met yet. Unreal. Plus Cailin is there, so that’ll be alright.

I’ll also be fleeing from the reality of Matt moving to Calgary after living with me for three years. I’m not sure how to deal, you guys.

I have a million other people to meet as well while I’m in the city, so if you’re in town, toss your name in the mix! One pint on me. The Split Crow Power Hour, anyone?

April 30-May 7: Dominican Republic

A real vacation for my friends Dawne and Terry’s wedding. How excited am I for a real vacation? Reaaaal excited. I might not even bring my laptop.

(I probably will.)

I get to reunite with some old friends and even a classmate or two that I haven’t seen in years. Other than that, I literally know nothing about the DR.

I’ve also told Dawne that I will be doing this at the wedding:

She said this was acceptable and even encouraged.

May 10: Montreal, Quebec

FINALLY MY DREAMS OF MONTREAL LIVING ARE COMING TRUE!

I’m buying a one-way ticket. I’ll be back in St. John’s in time for summer lovin’, but until then, I’m staying with some friends in Montreal and maybe launching off to Ottawa and Toronto for a jaunt.

Or I’ll stay in Montreal. Or go to Iceland for a month. I’m not sure. The world is my hypothetical oyster…which is kinda gross if you think about it.

August: BURNING MAN!

I HAVE TICKETS TO BURNING MAN! So many conflicting emotions. So many unanswered questions. I probably should get some travel insurance.

Nothing is planned for this yet at all, but I’d like to fly into Las Vegas and make my way to the desert. It’s gonna be bit of a mission to get there.

In closing, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite videos from Burning Man. Because I can. And because I’m too excited to continue typi

It’s been a frigid winter, and our outdoor garbage bin has gotten the worst of it. It’s stood immobile on our back deck for months now, entirely filled with frozen ice.

Matt, being the monkey he is, flipped the whole thing over the other day to see if we could empty the can. Instead we found Canada’s most epic beer cooler.

I wanted to put fish in it, actually. But I figured I’d rather not deal with the psychos running PETA, and beer is just more fun anyway.

I suppose we should wash off those cans before consumption.

When I recently started writing a budget travel column for Where.ca, I began exploring a whole lot of alternative travel booking websites. It’s a fascinating world for me, one that lures me into travel with affordable deals and enticing vacation packages.

But I never really navigated the whole hotel scene until recently, when I decided to give Easy to Book a shot. They’re a hotel comparison website which lists accommodations in the location you’re staying, and then relevant deals on that place. Then they asked me to review the site, and I’m all like, “Word to your mother.”

How to use the site

I’m pretty technologically impaired. Like, I can’t figure out how to change the batteries in my remote control most days, and sometimes I wear my shoes on the wrong feet. This, come to think of it, has nothing to do with technology.

Anyway, Easy to Book is completely straightforward when it comes to booking hotels. A monkey could figure it out, if that monkey’s name were Candice Walsh. The search is pretty efficient in the way that it will immediately take you to a list of all hotels in the area, and a drop-down list in the search box will give you a list of options for neighborhoods, etc.

All you have to do is click on the deal, and voila! Instant success. And when you’re booking a whole parade of people, Easy to Book even does personalized group bookings. The left-hand sidebar helps narrow down your hotel options based on everything from star class to guest scores.

How the prices stack up

On my mission to find cheap hotels around the world, I decided to try Halifax from May 10-11 as my first point of reference. I was guaranteed a room at the Westin Nova Scotian for a rate of $199.52. On the Westin website, the total was $199.53. I kid you not; it all came down to a single penny.

Other rooms compared by varying degrees (I managed to save $10 by “booking” Empire Landmark Hotel in downtown Vancouver for tomorrow evening). Easy to Book typically displays the percentage discounted, which can be up to 80%. If you sign up for the newsletter, you can better stay on top of deals to get the most out of the website.

Things I love

Once you’ve booked your room, you have immediate confirmation. No extra charges. Plus each hotel listed has a whole list of guest reviews from Trip Advisor, and you can even select which currency you want to use to see prices.

My hands-down favourite thing about the site, however, is the comparison tool. If you’re like me and often find yourself overwhelmed by choices (i.e. WHICH FLAVOUR OF ICE-CREAM?!), searching for hotels based on destinations makes life so much easier. SO much easier.

But to make matters even better, in the lower right-hand corner of the screen, there’s also a “Compare” tool. When you’re looking at different hotel deals, you can click the tiny “+” sign under the Compare column and it gets added to the tool.

When you’re ready to figure out where you’re staying, simply click on the tool and figure out which hotel works best for you.

And yes, ‘lo and behold, there were hotel listings for ST. JOHN’S! Incredible.

Other tidbits & conclusions

As a general rule of thumb, I always encourage travellers to check the official hotel/company website to see just how prices compare and if you’re getting the most bang for your buck.

In the case of Easy to Book, the biggest value is seriously the ease of booking. You’re not gonna be paying any extra to book through them, and they have a low-price guarantee.

It’s all about user experience. Makes sense, right? You compare amenities, deals, prices, and reviews, and you’ll walk away knowing there’s likely not an option you didn’t uncover. In other words, you’ll end being a happy customer. Unless you’re a jerk.

I was tagged by Ms. O’Neil to participate in this “7 Super Shots” game from HostelBookers.com. And since I seem to have nothing better to talk about these days other than yoga pants and egg rolls, I figure I’ll shut my trap and give you something to look at.

A photo that…takes my breath away

Around Bow Glacier, in Banff. Stopped here with Moose Network, didn’t wanna leave. But it was June, and it was COLD.

A photo that…makes me laugh or smile

Celebrating my 23rd birthday in Ottawa, with a few cousins and some random friends. This was a Wednesday evening. Later, I was responsible for my cousin’s cat going missing and a whole slew of other unfortunate events…but my god, it was worth it.

A photo that…makes me dream

Cancun, Mexico. I dream of warmer days when I don’t walk 15 minutes to the gym to find my feet frozen. Here’s an odd sensation, folks: toes thawing out on a treadmill as you’re running. Try it sometime.

A photo that…makes me think

Machu Picchu, Peru. I believe in Pachamama.

A photo that…makes my mouth water

What?

A photo that…tells a story

This sei whale skeleton washed up on the shores of Newfoundland some time ago. Fisherman Dave Boyd allowed nature to take its course before hauling it to his own fishing stage for display. His property at Prime Berth Heritage Centre demonstrates the hardy life of a fisherman and the decline of a traditional lifestyle in Newfoundland and Labrador.

A photo that…I am most proud of (aka my worthy of National Geography shot)

I might just be a sucker for reflection photos, but this shot taken at Western Brook Pond Fjord in Gros Morne National Park reminds me of one of the happiest times of my life. It was a perfect morning, and I feel like the stillness is a good metaphor for how this part of the world is still a quiet, thoughtful place to explore.

Join the Game

Again, I’m too lazy to tag anyone and I’m rather late to the gym. So if you haven’t participated yet, HERE’S YOUR MOMENT.

1. Choose 7 of your own photos, one for each of the following categories:

A photo that…takes my breath away
A photo that…makes me laugh or smile
A photo that…makes me dream
A photo that…makes me think
A photo that…makes my mouth water
A photo that…tells a story
A photo that…I am most proud of (aka my worthy of National Geographic shot)
2. Write a short description for each image.
3. Write somewhere in your blog post: ‘I am taking part in HostelBookers 7 Super Shots‘.
4. Tell us you have participated and tweet the hashtag #7SuperShots
5. Nominate 5 other bloggers by including a link to their blog in your post.

We will be retweeting and sharing the best posts from participating bloggers.

Head on over and see the 7 Super Shots guidelines post which features a number of fantastic photos.

I always think I have a handle on my Newfoundland dialect when I’m talking to Come From Aways, but every now and then a phrase or expression intrudes my conversation without me even realizing it. I’m always stunned to find people confused and scratching their heads after I’ve expelled a perfectly logical explanation.

Some things makes so much sense to me, and yet for someone who’s studied English all her life, their nonsensical composition should be obvious.

Let’s take this video clip featuring the handsome Mr. Allan Hawco (Jake Doyle from Republic of Doyle):

I was gobsmacked when I heard Hawco trying to explain “What’s after happenin’ now?” I’ve used it more than once, yet it’s a contradiction of extraordinary proportions. “What’s after happenin’?” insinuates something of the past, but it ISN’T. The “now” I always figured was a punctuation of frustration. Kinda like “What’s the problem NOW?”

Then there’s “blocked,” as in “The bar was BLOCKED!” meaning “The bar was packed with people!”

I first said this while driving across the country with Cailin. She nearly pulled over the car, and we argued until we were blue in the face.

“But ‘blocked’ implies there was something barring the way, like a physical object blocking the route,” Cailin argued.

“IT WAS SO PACKED WITH PEOPLE THAT THE ENTRANCE WAS BLOCKED!” I screamed. She might have punched me. She’s abusive like that.

Another example from the drive, although we might have both been on the edge of delirium: There was a Styrofoam box underneath my feet, and when I stepped on it, it made a weird creaking noise. Cailin asked, “What was that?” I responded with, “Oh, I squat the box,” meaning I squished it with my feet.

Yes, SQUAT.

I can understand the confusion that comes with this one, for the expression has become so entrenched in Newfoundland vocabulary that most Newfoundlanders don’t even think about it (except now I do, all the freaking time).

Newfoundlanders do not use “squish.” “Squat” is not a hovering-over-the-latrine verb, it means “to crush.”

Another example: “Oh no, I just squat my finger in the door!” Happens all the time.

And finally, the latest. Last week, as I walked back to the kitchen table with a handful of mail, I flicked through the envelopes impatiently looking for a pay cheque among all the bills. I threw the stack on the table angrily and yelled, “I’M DROVE OFF THE HEAD!”

My roommate was stunned. “What does that even mean?”

Furious. Absolutely freaking furious. I’m so mad, my head just came off. That’s it. Nostrils flared, steam flying from my ears and my freckled face turning the colour of a tomato. Drove. Off. The. Head.

Here’s one just for fun: “Clits” can be used to refer to tangles in someone’s hair. “My hair is all clitty!” I’m not even kidding.

What other phrases do you use?